Author Teressa Moore Griffin takes you on a journey of self-discovery that can reveal choices you didn’t know you had about how to live your life. She describes the ways that LIES—labels, illusions, excuses, and stories—limit your capacity to self-actualize, or be all that you can be. Each chapter offers reflective practices and practical suggestions. I decided to recommend this book to my readers because I think that while both women and men will find it useful, women have an added challenge with focusing on their own wants and needs instead of on the needs of others. Griffin writes about the importance of becoming aware of the negative self-talk that we all do that may unconsciously limit the options we can see for ourselves. For example, when I was growing up, my high school guidance counselor told me not to bother taking advanced math and science courses because “girls are not good at math and science.” I believed him and internalized that message. When I got to college, I avoided all career options that required math or science courses. After college, I was terrified about going back to school for a master of arts degree in a field that interested me because math courses were a required part of the curriculum. I did go forward with this degree at the urging of my friends, and—you guessed it. I discovered that I am actually quite good at math and science, but my internal voice—formed from early experiences and messages from respected adults—kept me fearful of making certain choices for many years, so I missed numerous opportunities. The author also points out that larger historical events can shape our limiting beliefs. She gives examples of ways that the history of slavery in the United States may have shaped some of her limiting messages as an African American. Becoming aware of them gave her choices. Griffin’s message is that we can reclaim our passion and purpose if we become aware of our conscious and unconscious limiting messages and reconnect to our unrealized dreams and desires. She offers tools and practices to help with this journey of rediscovery. The possibilities of greater energy and fulfillment lie at the end of this journey. What are your limiting beliefs?]]>
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Why Ruth Bader Ginsburg Is My Role Model
We all need role models—people who inspire us and provide us with examples of how to live and be. These can be invisible mentors whom we never meet and only read about. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice, is this kind of role model for me. Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RBG) is eighty-two years old and, as Gail Collins of the New York Times reports, she loves her work and, in spite of tremendous public pressure to retire, has no intention of “going anywhere any time soon.” I am not the only one who admires her for a determination to live her life on her own terms rather than succumb to social pressure to conform (and retire). She has developed a huge fan base, particularly among young women, complete with a blog and upcoming book about her entitled The Notorious RBG (a play on the name of the rapper Notorious B.I.G.). Let me count the ways that RBG inspires me:
- She is a pioneer and the first woman to do many of the things she did in her life.
- She lives her life on her own terms.
- She is physically fierce and works out at the gym with a trainer two times a week, along with daily stretches.
- She writes ferocious dissents against conservative decisions and is the leader of the Supreme Court’s dissident liberals.
- She is a survivor of colon cancer, pancreatic cancer, and heart disease.
- She has an overall energy level that is inspiring. For example, she explained to MSNBC’s Irin Carmon in an interview that the reason she dozed off during President Obama’s State of the Union address in January 2015 was that she had been up all night the night before writing an opinion. “My pen was hot,” she said by way of explanation.
Where Are the GOP Women in Congress?
If you are like me, you’ve noticed that there are fewer Republican women than Democratic women in Congress and wondered why. In fact, the number of women in Congress has been steadily rising over the past twenty-five years, but close examination of the numbers reveals a difference between Democrats and Republicans. In a study recently published in the New York Times, the author, Derek Willis, found that the share of Democratic women in Congress has risen steadily to the current level of 33 percent, while representation by Republican women has been stagnant at roughly 10 percent. While only seventeen Republican women have ever served in the Senate, fourteen Democratic women are currently serving there. Why does this gap exist, and why is it important? The author suggests that “a root cause of the gap is that Democratic women who are potential congressional candidates tend to fit comfortably with the liberal ideology of their party’s primary voters, while many potential female Republican candidates do not adhere to the conservative ideology of their primary voters.” In other words, as the parties have become more polarized, the voters in the primaries have come to demand more and more ideological purity. In this environment, both moderate Republican men and women have declined to run because they cannot win. There are fewer highly conservative female candidates compared with male candidates. In fact, in state legislatures, a major pipeline for congressional candidates, conservative women are outnumbered five to one by conservative men. Given these numbers, the gap in congressional representation is likely to persist for some time to come. Why is this gap important? Willis notes that many studies show that “the presence of women in legislative bodies makes a difference, particularly on the policies that many female lawmakers prioritize, such as health care and children’s issues.” A recent study by the Center for American Women and Politics also found that many female legislators see themselves as representing women in general. For this reason, we need women in Congress from both parties to represent our views and, from time to time, to reach across the aisle to collaborate as they did in 2013 in the Senate to break the budget stalemate and avert a government shutdown. Let’s make sure we are all represented. The future of our country may depend on it. Photo credit: U.S. Senate, 111th Congress, Senate Photo Studio ]]>
The Latina Wage Gap (It’s the Worst!): What Employers May Be Missing
New research from the University of Massachusetts Boston on workers in Massachusetts finds that while a gender wage gap exists across all occupations for women, the gap becomes a chasm for Hispanic women, especially for low-wage workers. Here are some facts from the research:
- White women make 83 percent of what white men make in the same occupations.
- Hispanic women make 56 percent of their male equivalents.
- Latinas who work as cleaners make 54 cents on the dollar compared to all male janitors and 59 cents compared to their Hispanic male counterparts.
- Familismo—valuing close family relations
- Simpatía—avoiding conflict and disharmony
- Colectivismo—putting the needs of the group before those of individuals
- Personalismo—forging meaningful and trusting relationships
- El presente—being in the here and now
- Respeto—respecting authority, age, and power
- Machismo-marianismo—strongly differentiated gender roles
- Espiritualismo—trusting in a higher power/being
What Employers Can Do to Close the Wage Gap and Value Latinas in Their Workforce
With these new wage-gap statistics and Holvino’s research in mind, here are some suggestions for employers:- To begin with, employers can look closely for pay disparities by occupation in their organizations and make adjustments in pay to close the gaps. Pay disparities are often invisible and unscrutinized and reflect unconscious bias.
- Employers should become familiar with the cultural scripts, or cultural assumptions, that guide hiring and promotion decisions in their organizations. For example, the dominant criteria for leadership in Anglo culture, which focuses on valuing individual achievement and a direct communication style, runs counter to strengths in Latina culture.
- Employers can become familiar with Latina cultural scripts and develop appreciation for the value they can add.
- Employers can expand their definitions of leadership to include strengths in Latina cultural scripts, such as building relationships.
The Beauty Culture and Age: What’s Wrong with Christine Lagarde?
A coaching client recently asked me for the names of older women who are public figures and could be role models for her. She had just turned fifty years old and realized that her self-image was of a much younger woman, which was getting in her way professionally. She was struggling to “find her voice” and speak out more at work. Her boss had recently given her feedback that she was viewed as lacking confidence. Through reflection, she became aware that her self-talk, reflecting her “young self,” undermined her confidence by telling her that she did not know enough or had not yet earned the right to express her opinions. In addition to having a young self-image, she felt pressure to color her hair to hide the grey and to dress like a much younger woman, all of which may have reinforced her own perception, and the perception of others, that she was less experienced. The only woman in public life whom we could both think of, though, who embraces her age and is seen as powerful is Christine Lagarde. Christine Lagarde was appointed in 2011 to be the first woman to head the International Monetary Fund (IMF). She is fifty-nine years old and has beautiful white hair. She is a great role model for my client—she is confident, powerful, and attractive, and she embraces her age. Having role models as we age is important, especially in the United States, where our youth-focused culture can be dismissive and even discriminatory toward older women and older men in terms of hiring and promotions. While these economic challenges are real, feeling good about your life experience and having the confidence to draw from it to find your voice and demonstrate leadership presence is also important. I recommended that my client develop a ritual with her friends to embrace and celebrate her inner Chrone. She’s not a little girl or a young woman any more—she has wisdom to offer that she needs to embrace. What’s wrong with Christine Lagarde? Nothing. I’m sure she has critics and detractors, as all powerful people do, but she also has beautiful white hair, projects confidence and a strong leadership presence, and provides a great role model for women on many levels. Who are your role models? Image credit: Image courtesy of International Monetary Fund
]]>Do You Worry about Your Appearance? What Is the Cost?
Women and girls in the United States, and in many other parts of the world, feel enormous pressure to look good to be both socially and professionally acceptable. Conforming to the beauty culture can require that women undergo and pay for botox injections and cosmetic surgeries on faces, breasts, tummies, buttocks, and thighs to either enhance or reduce the appearance of those body parts, along with expensive makeup, skin cream, and hair coloring to hide grey hair. And, of course, clothes and shoes are not cheap. While men also experience some pressure to attend to their appearance, it is nothing like the pressure on women. Where does this pressure come from? It comes from everywhere—from magazines, television, social media, the workplace, family, and peers.
What Are the Costs?
There are several ways to think about the costs of the pressure to conform to the beauty culture:- Time and money—The most obvious costs are time and money. Mika Brzezinski, in her book, Knowing Your Value, talks about the pressure from both viewers and her employers to maintain an expensive wardrobe as a talk show host. She is expected to spend a significant percentage of her salary, without reimbursement, on clothes, while her co-host, Joe Scarborough, is not expected to do so. She is also required to arrive on set two hours before showtime for hair and makeup preparation. Since their show begins at 6 a.m., another cost for her is sleep, since Scarborough only has to roll in fifteen minutes before showtime to slap on a little face powder. Many women, in all walks of life, feel these same pressures to spend time and money that they may not be able to afford on their appearance.
- Health—Surgery always has risks. My niece, a beautiful young woman in her thirties, decided that she needed liposuction to remove fat from her stomach and thighs to improve her appearance. She got a postsurgical infection that became systemic and almost died. She survived but remains seriously scarred and disfigured. Medical complications can occur from any type of elective cosmetic surgery or treatment, including botox injections.
- Body Shame—Recent studies reported by Renee Engeln in the New York Times found that “fat talk” (public body disparagement, such as posting, “I’m so fat,” on social media) has become, “practically a ritual of womanhood.” One study found that more than 90 percent of college women reported engaging in fat talk even though only 9 percent were actually overweight. Fat talk is linked with body shame, which motivates unhealthy eating choices and, in the extreme, can result in eating disorders. This research also finds that fat talk is contagious. In other words, engaging in it may drag others down into body shame with you.
- Role Modeling—We give conflicting messages to the girls in our lives when we tell them that what matters is what’s in their hearts and minds, while at the same time we are spending a lot of time and money on our appearance. Actions speak louder than words.
What Are Our Choices?
There is a lot we don’t control as individuals. We cannot change the airbrushed sexist messages that advertisers bombard us with about how we are supposed to look. We don’t have much hope, as individuals, of changing the often unspoken influence of appearance on hiring and promotion decisions in the workplace. Peer pressure is hard to resist, without a doubt. But you can control your own behavior and make a difference:- Find support. Having other women and men in your life who are willing to question the cost of participating in the beauty culture can help you make the best choices for yourself.
- Be a role model. What is the message that you want the girls and younger women in your life to receive about being girls and women? How can your choices reinforce that message?
- Stop engaging in fat talk.
- Join a book group. Many reading and discussion circles are forming in workplaces to raise awareness of diversity issues, including gender differences. You can form such a group if one does not exist. Many books and articles are available that you can read together to stimulate discussion.
Do You Work Too Many Hours?
Several of my coaching clients are trying to find a solution to the same challenge—they work so many hours a week that they have no time for relationships, friends, exercise, relaxation, or children. These clients are men and women in large corporations, academia, small businesses, and large and small nonprofits. Their stress levels are high, their sleep quality is poor, or their hours of sleep too few. They often love their work—but they are not happy with their lives. Does this sound familiar? Robin Ely of Harvard University and her colleagues Irene Padavic and Erin Reid of Florida State University and Boston University recently reported the results of a new study they conducted for a large consulting company. The company asked them to conduct the study to determine what they needed to do to retain, and increase promotions of, women. The researchers concluded that the problem is not a lack of family-friendly policies—it is a surge in the number of hours worked by both women and men. Ely explained, “The culture of overwork affects everybody.” Here are some startling facts about the current situation when it comes to work hours:
- The number of hours worked has increased by 5 percent for high-wage earners over the last four decades.
- The typical professional employee works 60–65 hours per week, although in some sectors, like finance, employees are expected to work 80–100 hours per week.
- Long hours have become a status symbol in high-wage sectors.
- A combination of globalization and technology has created the expectation of 24/7 availability for work.
- In addition to creating an expectation of 24/7 availability, the use of technology can become an addiction that does not allow for a balanced life.
- The number of hours worked by low-wage workers has increased by 20 percent over the past four decades
- Low wages that have not increased as the cost of living has gone up (and, consequently, are not living wages) combined with unpredictable work schedules mean high stress for workers who have to juggle multiple jobs to make ends meet.
Study Findings
In their study, Ely, Padavic, and Reid found that men and women at the large consulting firm were equally unhappy about long work hours. But, interestingly, the women and men dealt with the pressure of long hours differently, with different consequences:- Women took advantage of flex-time or part-time policies, and stalled their careers.
- Men suffered silently and complied with the expectations of long work hours, or they worked the schedule they wanted, without asking permission, with no career consequences. (This same strategy did not work for the women who tried it, however.)
- Men are expected to be devoted to work, and it is assumed they are working even when they are not in the office.
- Women are expected to be devoted to family, and it is assumed they are not working when they are not in the office—even when they are.
What You Can Do
Here are some steps you can take to fight the trend toward long work hours:- If you are a team leader, you may be able to create a team culture where people agree to rotate coverage for nights and weekends to give each other dedicated family or relaxation time when there is a need for someone to be on call.
- You may be able to change the expectation that you are available 24/7 by announcing that you are not available outside the office, at least on some nights and weekends—or during vacations. If you are the boss, you can be a role model by not sending e-mails during off-hours.
- You may be able to get your boss to prioritize your work and eliminate low-priority projects or reassign them to create a more manageable workload.
- If a lot of your work requires travel for meetings, you may be able to use technology for meetings instead.
- Working for a smaller organization may allow you more control over your work life. Some small law firms, medical practices, and nonprofits are committed to real work-life balance. The pay may be less, but the tradeoff may be worth it.
- Join with others to put pressure on organizations, and governments, to pay a living wage for low-wage workers.
Women in Science: Myths and Facts
Why are there still so few women in the top levels of academic science despite equal numbers of women and men at the undergraduate and graduate levels? Let’s examine some myths and biases about women in the sciences and consider some facts that help explain the current situation. Then I’ll close with some good news!
Myths and Biases about Women in Science
In a recent article in The Chronicle of Higher Education, Joan C. Williams and Jessi L. Smith note that there are distinct patterns of gender bias that affect female scientists:- The first pattern, which is also a myth, is the belief that women are less competent at science. The impact of this bias is that two-thirds of female scientists in a recent study reported a double standard when going for promotions. They had to provide more evidence of their skills than their male colleagues did to be seen as equally competent.
- Another pattern is a familiar double bind for women leaders in many sectors—walking the “tightrope” of being seen as too feminine to be competent or too masculine to be likable with very little room to maneuver between the two extremes. The authors quoted one of the women scientists at Massachusetts Institute of Technology as explaining, “To get ahead here, you have to be so aggressive. But if women are too aggressive, they’re ostracized, and if they’re not aggressive enough, they have to do twice the work [to prove themselves].” Three-fourths of the women in one study reported experiencing this double bind.
- A third pattern and myth is that if you are a mother, you cannot also be a high-achieving scientist. Williams and Smith explain that the operating bias is that to be a high-achieving scientist, you must be “tirelessly and single-mindedly focused on research” without the distractions of a family. In a recent survey, two-thirds of the female scientists reported experiencing this bias, and female scientists are more than twice as likely to be childless than American women in general. Can it be that talented women are opting out of academic leadership positions in the sciences and choosing other careers because the price to stay in science is too high?
Training as a Scientist—Structural Barriers for Women
Molecular biologist Sara Clatterbuck Soper offers some insights into the ways that gender bias impacts training opportunities for women scientists. In an article in the New York Times, she explains that training in the sciences resembles the medieval apprentice system—scientists must spend a lengthy period of time training in the lab of an established principle investigator who has near-absolute authority in hiring. This apprenticeship is the pathway to a senior position, and eventually to having your own lab. The problem is the leader’s near-absolute hiring authority. Clatterbuck Soper cites a 2014 study that found that male scientists more often hire other men for coveted training positions. This study reported that the more prominent the men, such as Nobel Prize winners, the larger the gender gap in hiring. The elite male professors in the study employed 24 percent female postdoctoral researchers compared with 46 percent in labs run by women, and 36 percent female graduate students compared to 53 percent in labs run by women. Because training in the sciences requires high-quality apprenticeship and mentoring and so few women are lab leaders, there is a shortage of training opportunities for aspiring women scientists. Clatterbuck Soper explains that women represent half of the graduate students in biosciences but only 21 percent of full professors.Good News
What is the good news in all of this? Did you notice that half of all undergraduate and graduate students in science are women? That is good news, and it debunks the myth that women are not interested in the sciences. What is needed now is a change in the biases, attitudes, and practices that limit opportunities for talented women in the sciences. Photo credit: Image courtesy of Photokanok at FreeDigitalPhotos.net]]>How to Stop Apologizing
If you’re like me, you say “I’m sorry” way too often when you have nothing to be sorry about. Men apologize too, but recent studies suggest that women are 37 percent more likely to apologize than men. Sure, an apology may be in order when our behavior impacts someone negatively and in a way we hadn’t intended. For example, I recently upset a colleague when I interrupted her during a meeting with a client. I apologized sincerely. I regretted my actions and regretted upsetting her. But too often we say sorry when we have done nothing wrong. Sloane Crosley of the New York Times suggested that this behavior may stem from centuries of women lacking rights and having to be very indirect to survive. In fact, Mika Brzezinski, in her book, Knowing Your Value, shares current-day advice from many successful women about the need to “smile and be relentlessly pleasant” and to be “tough as nails and warm as toast” when negotiating for a raise or promotion. But none of these women suggest that apologizing is ever an effective negotiating tactic, or an effective way to communicate to get what you want—unless you are trying to mend a relationship. A recent article included this list of situations where it is common, and counterproductive, for women to apologize:
- When asking for a raise or promotion you have earned
- When asking for vacation time you have earned
- When reminding someone to do something they said they would do, but didn’t
- For having an opinion
- For not responding to someone immediately
- For having an emotional reaction to something
- For not getting the dish you ordered at a restaurant
- Get clear about what you want before you ask. Many women are so focused on meeting the needs of others that they don’t know what their needs and wants are.
- Practice asking for what you want, or saying what you have to say, without apologizing.
- Be prepared with information about why you should get what you want. Be clear that you deserve this promotion or raise and present your accomplishments. Be prepared with alternatives if you don’t get what you first ask for, don’t ask yes or no questions, and don’t apologize for asking.
- Be direct. Make declarative statements about what you want or what your opinion is, without apologizing. Don’t raise your voice at the end of a sentence to imply you are asking a question instead of making a statement. Many women feel that it is rude to make statements, but your communication will actually be clearer and less confusing to others if you are direct.
- Be pleasant. There is rarely a time when being rude is either appropriate or effective. Think about it. If someone is rude to you when they ask for something from you, how motivated are you to get it for them? Being pleasant is useful for everyone but especially important for women. Remember, simply asking for what you want is not rude, so there is no need to apologize.
Why Is It So Hard for Women in the Military to Fit In?
Two million US women are now veterans. During the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, the United States military attempted the integration of women into the military in unprecedented numbers (15 percent of service members during these conflicts were women), opening combat and leadership roles to women for the first time. Yet, although women distinguished themselves as leaders and soldiers, Emily King of the Minnesota Women’s Press noted that “service women often feel disrespected and devalued, and many face discrimination.” Benedict Carey of the New York Times and King agree on two of the main factors that make life in the military so hard for women:
- A sense of isolation for women that undermines their confidence and can lead to depression and suicide
- The way the military treats sexual trauma, an experience that is more common for women than for men in the military
Isolation—Why Does It Happen?
The isolation women face in the military is not unlike what happens to women in other male-dominated industries and organizations, as described in my book, New Rules for Women: Revolutionizing the Way Women Work Together. As in other male-dominated organizations, women often see other women as their competition and do not support or bond with each other. King quoted military women who said, “Women generally don’t bond with other women,” and “There’s a sense of competition [between women] . . . fed by their superiors comparing them with other women rather than with their male peers.” While this dynamic of competition is not unique to the military, the impact on women under conditions of deployment and war may be especially severe. In addition, women in the military also have difficulty bonding with their male peers because they must all live together. Fear of rumors of romantic alliances, along with the potential misinterpretation of friendly gestures by a male peer, results in more isolation for women. It is not surprising, then, that their experience of exclusion has led to an alarming level of hopelessness and alienation felt among many women in the military and a resulting increase in the suicide rate for female soldiers during and after deployment. The rate of depression after deployment is also higher for women than men. The exception is for women who found companionship with other women while in the military.Sexual Assault
King reported that according to government statistics, “About one in four women experience unwanted sexual contact in the military, ranging from inappropriate touching to rape.” Because reporting sexual assault is discouraged by the structure and procedures of the military, the percentages could be as high as three in four women. The chain of command system of determining guilt means that cases are not reported to civilian authorities, and a highly sexualized boy’s club culture means that perpetrators are seldom held accountable. Consequently, little support exists for those reporting sexual assaults. While Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, of New York, proposed a bill in 2014 that would move these cases out of military courts to prevent commanders from making decisions about prosecuting subordinates for rape and sexual assault, it did not pass in the Senate.What Needs to Change?
The military needs to recognize the challenges faced by women that men do not face. To create a healthier and more supportive environment in which women can continue to excel without enduring the psychological and emotional damage that results from isolation and sexual assault, the military needs to make several changes:- Encourage supportive environments where women can bond and be supportive of each other. Organizations do this by promoting the formation and functioning of affinity groups.
- Reward a wide range of leadership styles. As in corporations, while women can adopt a masculine leadership style, this style doesn’t play to the strengths of many women. Having to pretend you are someone you’re not, especially in the stressful context of military deployment, can take a toll.
- Support passage and implementation of laws and policies that would move prosecution of sexual assault cases to civilian authorities to restore credibility and accountability.