Other scholars have describedthese expectationsas relational images that develop early in life and are carried from one relationship to another, sometimes changing with new experiences. We don’t show up in the workplace as a blank slate. We carry with us all of the things we have learned, including our friendship rules and expectations. Men have friendship rules too, but because of differences in our gender socialization, theirs are not the same as ours. Women I talk with often marvel at the way men can disagree or compete at work and then go out for a beer together as though nothing happened, while women do not get over similar experiences with other women for a long time—if ever. What friendship rules could be making it harder for women to compete with a woman friend for a new job or promotion? My research validated the work of other scholars who describe a core of very common friendship rules. Not everyone has the same rules, and there will be variations for cultural differences. Below are the most commonly reported friendship rules:
- Maintain unswerving loyalty.
- Demonstrate trustworthiness.
- Keep confidences.
- Be a good listener.
- Share gossip and air problems.
- Provide self-disclosure.
- Practice equality and acceptance, and refrain from disapproval.
- Avoid discussion of the friendship rules.
- Confirm that the friendship is important to you and you don’t want it to be damaged because you are both applying for the same job.
- Propose a friendship rule that you wish each other the best in pursuing the job.
- Suggest a friendship rule that whoever gets the job will have the full support of the other to be successful.
- Acknowledge to each other that applying for the position is not personal, it’s professional.