\t\t\t\tJanuary was when I started my new role. Probably three months\u00a0later, my old boss scheduled a yearly performance review\u00a0with me, which was unusual for a lot of reasons. Normally,\u00a0performance reviews are more timely. And she had her boss on\u00a0the phone with her. She doesn\u2019t like confrontation, so I felt like\u00a0she was having him do it for her. She didn\u2019t say a word the whole\u00a0time. It was like she was just sitting in the background, listening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
I was just shocked to get a negative performance review,\u00a0even though on paper my numbers looked good. It felt like a\u00a0lot of things had transpired behind the scenes so that she could\u00a0throw Kate under the bus.<\/p>\n\n\nFor Kate, the indirect aggression happened when her boss threw Kate\u00a0under the bus by undermining her behind the scenes and then having\u00a0someone else deliver the bad news.\nOne more example of behavior that is intended to be hurtful but is\u00a0denied, using silence as a weapon, was demonstrated in one of the roleplays\u00a0developed by research participants who were managers in state\u00a0government. The aggression was indirect but quite mean in its intentions:\n\n\n
Four women who work together in an office have just come back\u00a0from lunch. Marcia was not included in the outing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m stuffed,\u201d declares Lee, puffing out her cheeks and\u00a0dropping a container of leftover food on her desk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
\u201cThat was a good place to go,\u201d notes Judy, suggesting that\u00a0they go back again sometime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
Rose casually asks, seemingly to no one in particular, as she\u00a0takes off her coat, \u201cDo you want to go out after work today?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
Lee says yes and suggests, \u201cDo you want to go to that place\u00a0that we went last Friday?\u201d Judy, Rose, and Arleen agree that this\u00a0was a cool place and they would like to go there after work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
In the meantime, Marcia has been sitting at her desk in\u00a0the same work area, listening to this postlunch chatter and\u00a0wondering what she has to do to be included in this group. The\u00a0women seem to have such a good time, and she wishes they\u00a0would give her a chance to show she could fit in with them.\u00a0She decides to take a shot at it. Maybe she hasn\u2019t been assertive\u00a0enough and they think she isn\u2019t interested. She sees an opening\u00a0in the conversation and says, \u201cDo you know where one of my\u00a0favorite places is?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
She is chagrined when they ignore her and continue chatting\u00a0as though she hasn\u2019t spoken and isn\u2019t there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
\u201cSo let\u2019s plan on going to that same place,\u201d says Lee, turning\u00a0her back to Marcia, rolling her eyes, and giving a knowing look at\u00a0Rose and Arleen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll be there\u2014what time do you guys want to get there?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
\u201cHow about seven?\u201d offers Arleen. \u201cWe can take my car. I\u2019ve\u00a0got enough room for four,\u201d she says, making it clear that no one\u00a0else is going to join their group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
Marcia screws up her courage and decides to give it one\u00a0more try, figuring she has nothing to lose, and asks, \u201cDid you\u00a0know there\u2019s a new club that\u2019s actually got a place for the kids?\u201d\u00a0No one responds to her this time, either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
After a short, pregnant pause, Lee declares, \u201cAll right! Break\u2019s\u00a0over!\u201d The role-play ends.<\/p>\n\n\nWelcome to the middle school lunchroom in the grown-up workplace.\nWhile this was a role-play, it was presented as an example of typical\u00a0dynamics between women in the workplace. It was one of many such roleplays\u00a0presented during the study to demonstrate indirect aggression\u2014probably an old and deeply buried pattern that is a form of horizontal\u00a0violence.\n \nAn excerpt from my book,\u00a0New Rules for Women<\/em>, available at Amazon (http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/dp\/0982056982\/<\/a>).]]>\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,4],"tags":[116,169,222,225,248,418,612],"class_list":["post-701","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog-posts","category-excerpt","tag-competition","tag-emotions","tag-friendship-rules","tag-gender","tag-girls","tag-new-rules","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=701"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=701"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=701"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=701"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}