{"id":677,"date":"2015-04-09T09:00:09","date_gmt":"2015-04-09T13:00:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/annelitwin.com\/?p=677"},"modified":"2015-04-09T09:00:09","modified_gmt":"2015-04-09T13:00:09","slug":"molly-and-julies-story-revisited","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/blog-posts\/molly-and-julies-story-revisited\/","title":{"rendered":"Molly and Julie's Story Revisited"},"content":{"rendered":"

\t\t\t\tMolly and Julie (from my earlier post)<\/a> is described below.\n \n\n\n

Step 1: Presession interviews<\/h2>\n\n\nThe facilitator conducts a presession interview by phone, before the face-to-face session. Each party is asked to state her hopes for the meeting\u00a0and to describe what a positive outcome would be. She then tells her\u00a0version of what happened and why she felt hurt. The purpose of the\u00a0interview is to help each woman organize her thoughts and her story,\u00a0to allow the facilitator to know key details of her story to remind her of\u00a0them during the session if she forgot something significant, and to build\u00a0the rapport between each woman and the facilitator.\n\n\n

Step 2: The Two-Hour Face-to-Face Session<\/h2>\n\n\nThe parties arrange a two-hour meeting in a quiet, neutral location.\n\n\n

The Facilitator Role<\/h3>\n\n\nThe role of the third party, or facilitator, for the face-to-face session is to\u00a0propose a structure, to get buy-in from the participants to the structure,\u00a0to help both parties listen to each other and not interrupt each other,\u00a0and to ensure that both feel heard. The facilitator may help keep track\u00a0of time boundaries that the parties agree to. Time boundaries may be\u00a0open (\u201ctake all the time you need\u201d) or fixed (\u201ctake 20 minutes each\u201d),\u00a0based upon the structure that is agreed upon. It can be helpful, at the\u00a0beginning of the session, for the facilitator to express her belief that this\u00a0process can really work and has worked with others to invite an open\u00a0mind set for the participants.\n\n\n

Roles and Process for Speaker and Listener<\/h3>\n\n\nEach woman takes turns being either the speaker or the listener. This\u00a0means that the person who goes first as the speaker has all the time she\u00a0needs, or all the agreed-upon time, to tell her version of the story, as she\u00a0perceives it, of how she was hurt and why. During this time, the listener\u00a0can ask clarifying questions or check for understanding (sparingly), but\u00a0she cannot argue, debate, express her own opinions, or tell her story.\nOnce the speaker has finished, the listener summarizes what she\u00a0heard and the speaker corrects that understanding until she feels heard by\u00a0the listener. The listener doesn\u2019t have to agree; she just has to demonstrate\u00a0that she heard the speaker\u2019s perspective.\nOnce the speaker verifies that she feels heard, then the listener can\u00a0state what she heard that was a new insight or new information to her.\u00a0She will have more opportunity to do this again at the end of the session.\u00a0The listener may be able to apologize at this point by saying something\u00a0like, \u201cI\u2019m sorry that my actions\/behaviors caused this hurt for you.\u201d If\u00a0she is not ready to apologize, this can come at the end, but the sooner\u00a0it can be done, and the more often it can be done, the better!\n\n\n

Role Reversal<\/h3>\n\n\nNext, the listener and speaker switch roles and repeat the process\ndescribed above for speaker and listener.\n\n\n

Wrap-Up<\/h3>\n\n\nNext, each party states or repeats what she heard from the other party\u00a0that was a new insight or a deeper understanding. Each apologizes for\u00a0what she said or did that caused hurt for the other person. (Note: Her\u00a0intentions are irrelevant. What is important is to acknowledge the impact\u00a0of her behavior.)\nFor the next step in the process, the facilitator asks each party to\u00a0make a statement about how she is feeling at the end of this session.\u00a0Usually, if the participants have fully engaged in the process and have\u00a0been open, they will say that they are hopeful or cautiously optimistic,\u00a0reflecting the development of some mutual empathy that has reopened\u00a0their connection and made renewal of the friendship possible. Because\u00a0this is a deeply emotional process for most people, it can be hard for\u00a0people to fully articulate their understandings and feelings, and the\u00a0facilitator can help people feel comfortable to express themselves.\nAs a final contribution, the facilitator again expresses her belief\u00a0that this process can really work and has worked with others. She can\u00a0encourage the parties to stay hopeful and be open to moving forward\u00a0together and letting go of the past.\n \n\n\n

Guidelines for creating relational resilience<\/h3>\n\n\n\n\n
\n\n\nGoal<\/strong>: To create mutual empathy to repair a relationship\nSkills and Competencies Needed<\/strong>: Listening skills, skills for asking clarifying\u00a0questions, the ability to apologize.\nProcess<\/strong>: Turn taking as both speaker and listener\n\n\n
\n\n\nBefore the face-to-face meeting\n\n\n
\n\n\n\u2022 The participants engage support from a third party to facilitate the meeting.\n\u2022 The facilitator interviews each woman before a two-hour face-to-face\nmeeting.\n \n\n\n
\n\n\nDuring the two-hour face-to-face meeting\n\n\n
\n\n\n\u2022 The speaker tells her story until she feels she has conveyed the important\npoints.\n\u2022 The listener summarizes what she understood until the speaker feels fully\nheard.\n\u2022 The listener shares new insights or understandings gained from listening to\nthe speaker.\n\u2022 The listener apologizes for the impact of her actions, if she is ready.\n\u2022 The participants switch roles and repeat the above steps.\n\u2022 In the wrap-up, each participant repeats what she now understands and\napologizes again.\n\u2022 Each participant shares a feeling about the session (hopeful, optimistic, etc.).\n\n\n
\n\n\n \nAn excerpt from my book,\u00a0New Rules for Women<\/em>, available at Amazon (http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/dp\/0982056982\/<\/a>).]]>\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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