{"id":575,"date":"2014-12-29T09:00:08","date_gmt":"2014-12-29T13:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/annelitwin.com\/?p=575"},"modified":"2014-12-29T09:00:08","modified_gmt":"2014-12-29T13:00:08","slug":"can-i-be-your-friend-and-your-boss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/blog-posts\/can-i-be-your-friend-and-your-boss\/","title":{"rendered":"Can I Be Your Friend and Your Boss?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\t\t\t\tI really like one of the women I supervise, and we have become friends. We\u2019ve started socializing outside of work, and I really enjoy her company. Lately she has been coming in late and leaving early. I feel she is taking advantage of our friendship, but it is awkward for me. I don\u2019t know what to say or how to say it. I am really uncomfortable with confrontation, and I don\u2019t want to damage our friendship. What should I do?<\/blockquote>\n\n\nGladys needs to learn to handle two challenges in this situation: (1) dealing with conflict or confrontation and (2) eliminating boundary confusion to have healthy relationships with coworkers as both a boss and a friend. Women in my research and my women clients frequently report these as common challenges.\n\n\n

Avoiding Conflict<\/span><\/h2>\n\n\nPaula, a nurse who participated in my research on women\u2019s relationships in the workplace<\/a>, sums up the theme of avoiding conflict with friends as follows, \u201cWe weren\u2019t raised that way [to be direct and confrontational]. We were told that women didn\u2019t do that \u2026 you were to be seen and not heard.\u201d\n\u201cSeen and not heard\u201d\u2014I remember being told this when I was growing up. I thought I had to avoid confrontation because it could damage a relationship and was not \u201cnice.\u201d But I eventually realized that damage to the relationship was much more likely to occur by avoiding conflict and not dealing directly with differences. By letting bad feelings pile up, I was creating distance and mixed messages. Dealing directly with misunderstandings or hurt feelings and clearing them up actually makes relationships stronger. Many of us don\u2019t have the skills to be direct, but excellent resources<\/a> are available for learning these skills.\n\n\n

Boundary Confusion<\/span><\/h2>\n\n\nBoundary confusion grows out of one of our strengths as women\u2014we are often comfortable with having fluid boundaries and developing friendships with bosses and colleagues at work. Scholars agree that women tend to emphasize the fluid nature of the boundaries between personal life and work life<\/a>. But fluid boundaries can also cause confusion. Scholars, and about 25 percent of the women in my research, propose that women bosses learn to distinguish between being friends and being friendly<\/a> with other women at work. I would go a step further and say that this does not need to be an either\/or option. We can be both friends and friendly as the boss, but we need to be able to name our role\u2014boss or friend\u2014in any given interaction. We also need to have a clear understanding of how the relational expectations differ for these two roles.\n\n\n

Use a Tool Called Role Hats<\/em><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\nGladys can be the boss of her friend, and they can be friends outside of work. I say \u201coutside of work\u201d because it is important that Gladys\u2019s other direct reports not see her showing favoritism in the work environment toward her friend. The key is for Gladys and her friend to learn how<\/em> to discuss and negotiate their roles and relationship boundaries. Sharon, the CEO of a healthcare services organization, describes a useful tool called role hats<\/em>:\nTo be friends at work requires total transparency. I explicitly name the role that I\u2019m coming from\u2014boss or friend. And we are always clear about how the hats work\u2014what I can and cannot talk about when I have my boss hat on and how I see my responsibilities. We can also be friends outside of work as long as we stay clear about our hats.\nThe key, then, is to be explicit about your expectations. Gladys can let her friend know that as the boss she is responsible for managing the workload and morale of her department. Accordingly, her friend cannot come in late and leave early. Here are some steps she (and you) can take to clarify role boundaries at work:\n\n\n
    \n\t\n\n
  1. Start by sharing your desire to maintain your friendship and have a good work relationship as well.<\/li>\n\n\n\t\n\n
  2. Name all the functional roles involved in the relationship, such as boss, friend, or colleague.<\/li>\n\n\n\t\n\n
  3. Discuss each person\u2019s needs in each role, and really listen to each other.<\/li>\n\n\n\t\n\n
  4. Exchange suggestions for behaviors that could meet each person\u2019s needs in each role.<\/li>\n\n\n\t\n\n
  5. Establish ground rules for how you will alert each other to your use of a role hat<\/em>, such as:\n\n\n
      \n\t\n\n
    1. Ask me which hat I\u2019m wearing.<\/li>\n\n\n\t\n\n
    2. Ask me to change hats any time, and I will tell you if I can and why (or why not).<\/li>\n\n\n<\/ol>\n\n\n<\/li>\n\n\n<\/ol>\n\n\nGood relationships, both inside of work and outside, are important for our well-being, satisfaction, and success. Keeping them strong and healthy takes some effort, but it\u2019s worth it!]]>\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      \t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[62,110,116,117,221,225,361,567,634],"class_list":["post-575","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog-posts","tag-bosses","tag-coaching","tag-competition","tag-confidence","tag-friendship","tag-gender","tag-management","tag-teamwork","tag-workplace"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/575","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=575"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/575\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=575"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=575"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.annelitwin.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=575"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}